Humor

Figures I never heard of this guy

Emperor!  I like the sound of that. 

I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

You are Joshua Abraham Norton, first and only Emperor of the United States of America!

Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.

(It figures, since I was born in San Francisco)

Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname “Frisco” for your home city.

Have to agree about the nickname.  And who hasn’t wanted to dissolve Congress?

Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord’s Prayer quietly, head bowed.

Excellent.  Nonviolence can often work wonders

Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as “Emperor”.

The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline “Le Roi est Mort”. Aside from what you had on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.

The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

(From Orac, who turned out to be King Charles VI)

Posted by George on 12/14/06 at 07:14 AM
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Happy Thanksgiving!  The day to come out

How nice it is for everyone to hit the road and join their families around a dinner table for some togetherness!  And if a zillion cartoons along this theme are any indication, this is the day to “come out” on various things.  Well everybody’s in one place and in a neurological stupor from tryptophan (abundant in turkey); you won’t get a better chance!

“Mom, dad, brother and sister, I am...” (pick one or more) - gay, -straight, -atheist, -Catholic, -a Martian, -a Democrat, -a Green, -a Republican, -changing my major to basket weaving, -other (please specify)”

And a note to everybody else around the table, if a family member opens up something new to you, try to set aside your immediate reaction for a few days.  Remember you always loved the other family member before, even if you didn’t understand them.  Let it sink in; do some research and find out what it’s all about.

Nahh, on second thought, that doesn’t make a very funny cartoon.  Family member says anything that strikes you wrong, even though they’ve probably been rehearsing it for years because they obviously care very much about their relationship to you, just blow up and say the first thing that pops into your head.

There!  cool smirk  That’s my helpful Public Service Announcement for the year.

Posted by George on 11/22/06 at 07:16 PM
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Security solution

Boarding an airplane poses two huge problems; what you can’t carry onboard, and then the long boring flight.  So why hasn’t the TSA thought of this?

Posted by George on 11/06/06 at 08:45 PM
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Iranian president offers new plan for world peace

Following the annual marijuana harvest in Iran, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations in New York on Wednesday:

“Jews are respected by everyone, by all human beings,” he told a news conference at the United Nations headquarters in New York…

“No, I am not anti-Jew,” he said. “I respect them very much. Let us remember that there in Palestine there are Muslims, Christians and Jews who live together,” he said.

Later, he added: “We love everyone in the world - Jews, Christians, Muslims, non-Muslims, non-Jews, non-Christians… We are against occupation, aggression, killings and displacing people - otherwise we have no problem with ordinary people.”
- BBC News: Iranian leader ‘not anti-Semite’

Off-camera, Ahmadinejad was heard to remark, “Duuuude… you all should totally try some of this sh*t!” before lapsing into giggles and a raspy cough.

Posted by George on 09/21/06 at 09:26 PM
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Brainiacs, calling the TSA

Don’t anybody let the geniuses at the Transportation Security Administration see this video: Brainiac - alkalai metals. Next thing you know, they’ll be asking; “Are you carrying any cesium?”

While we’re at it, can anyone explain the expression; “These are the dogs nuts of the periodic table!”

We have seen the Brainiacs before, in A clear victory for Thermite.  Not such a victory for the French auto they used as a prop, however. 

And what the heck, as long as I’m mucking about on uTube, I found this strangely relevant video of a monkey proving that other primates do, in fact, enjoy dangerous thrills. 
(props to ***Dave and Pharyngula for the security and Brainiac links)

Posted by George on 09/07/06 at 06:58 PM
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It is time.

Not sure why, but the first panel of Get Fuzzy sort of cracked me up today.  I think it would make a good coffee cup.  Or a one-panel in Tricycle magazine.

The rest of the strip was a little dull, though.  Oh well, Darby Conley will have another day tomorrow, unless he doesn’t, impermanence being the fact of our existence.

Posted by George on 08/30/06 at 06:23 AM
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Cutting up the lawn

I’ve alluded to my dislike of yard work before.  I know a lot of people really enjoy it and that’s fine, but to say the least it isn’t my thing. So I try to have a little fun with it by carving random shapes into the lawn when I mow.  Extra points for strange looks from my neighbor, the real-estate agent.

Update: I didn’t know there was a Caption Contest on this image, but MrsDoF wins it anyway cool smirk

Posted by George on 08/08/06 at 09:05 PM
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Dance like a monkey

I don’t know why, but it made me laugh, and tap my feet too: Dance Like A Monkey.

Posted by George on 07/25/06 at 06:10 AM
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God’s aim improves

25 April, 2006: Lightning kills 5 children praying at cross

15 May, 2006: Plane carrying sen. Kennedy struck by lightning

I don’t actually wish Sen. Ed Kennedy any harm, but I must admit to laughing when I heard the second headline.  As a liberal, I think Kennedy has hurt liberalism. 

As for the poor kids in Mexico who were killed by lightning, well God seems to be a stickler about natural law.  Tall aluminum structures aren’t the best place to hang around during storms.  On the other hand, Senator, if you want a place to make your devotions…

Posted by George on 05/15/06 at 09:35 AM
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Weird friendship

If these two can get along, there is hope for all of us: Kitten and rooster.  It’s in Japanese, but you really won’t need subtitles.
(>> thanks to Doug’s Dynamic Drivel)

Posted by George on 05/03/06 at 12:00 PM
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Raccoons and Evil

I am a cat person.  Admittedly cats are an acquired taste, but I’ve acquired it, so there we are.  And while I think raccoons are interesting animals, it would never occur to me to have one as a pet.  Cajun’s experience with the beasties explains why…

“Leave the house with two cats inside, you return to find two cats lounging around on the sofa. Leave the house with two adolescent raccoons, and you return to a effect reminiscent of a small tornado. Raccoons are curious...”
- Mostly Cajun: Pure Evil

Hilarity ensues. Go read! 

Posted by George on 04/30/06 at 07:56 AM
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Fun and games with thermite

Thermite is a finely-powdered mixture of iron oxide and aluminum.  Once it starts burning, it will burn through just about anything.  Suppose you were a British chemist, had a large bucket of thermite, a French car, and a wicked sense of humor? You’d make this video: Thermite Experiments. 

There are two experiments - the first is with thermite and liquid nitrogen ("a clear victory for thermite") and the second is with the car.  LOL

(from Pharyngula.)

Posted by George on 04/19/06 at 05:58 PM
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Animal personality test

Badger
What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

From Cajun, who turned out to be a Crow.  Funny, I just wrote about crows recently…

Posted by George on 01/07/06 at 10:32 AM
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Baby Bush Toys

Not every child is gifted - here are some toys for the Baby Bush in your family.  My favorite is the “Terror Alert Xylophone”

(A cheap shot, I know… I’m sure our current president was top of his class at that age.)
From Wee Dram

Posted by George on 01/03/06 at 10:18 PM
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Improvement on the Ascent Of Man

The Economist seems to have a humor streak that is missing in American news magazines.  I really like their update on the cliche “Ascent Of Man” picture:

Unfortunately no one in my immediate circle is as highly evolved as the character on the top step.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!

Posted by George on 12/25/05 at 01:59 PM
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