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Guest Blogger: Samuel L. Jackson

August 19, 2006

Hi, this is Samuel L. Jackson.  An hour ago I was just picking up some bald-head wax when this bald-headed white dude bumped into me and he recognized me from my recent movie, Snakes On A Plane.  Now he looked like a Decrepit Old Fool but we got to talking and next thing you know, he asked me to sit down at his laptop and write a “blog entry” for his web log.  He said he and a friend from work just saw the movie, and would I please write for him, just this once?

I said that sounded pretty boring but he said something about how I should talk about the “dysfunctional integration of alien species of serpentine vertebrates in aircraft interior ecology” or some crap like that, and I just thought I’d shine him on a little bit.  A guy that clueless deserves to be set straight, you know what I’m talking about?…

See, Snakes On A Plane isn’t about improbable movie cliches, or even about snakes, really, it’s about one thing: YOU DO AS I SAY, AND YOU LIVE.  That’s really all there is to it.  I don’t have time to be subtle or do the dance with you on this, because we got mutherf*ing snakes all over the mutherf*ing plane, you got it?

I don’t really know what kind of snakes.  I’m an actor portraying an FBI agent escorting a witness of a brutal mob killing, and the mobster found out which plane it was, and he put hundreds of poisonous snakes on the plane.  So I suggest you get your butt back to your seat, and do what it is you do to keep the plane in the air until we reach L.A. 

Let me worry about the plot holes and gross inconsistencies; this movie isn’t about that anyway.  It’s about something called ‘viral marketing’ and it’s about how we had to pull out every action-horror cliche in movie history and blow them up to bigger than snake size just for some of us to survive long enough for the obligatory surprise at the end of the movie.  You think that’s a picnic?  You think we have time for you to panic and get all weepy because you’re scared?  Well we don’t.  I need you to be strong and help me get us where we’re going.

Well this will have to be enough, because I’m tired of typing when I should be kicking butt and making wisecracks to a cheering and clapping audience of almost all white dudes in a theater someplace called – I’m not making this up – called “Normal”.  It’s what I’m here to do, so let me do it,  You got that?  Good.  That’s all.

Oh, and one other thing – go to the website.  There, if you do as I say, you’ll not only live, you’ll get a personalized message from me that you can email to any one of your friends.  Then I won’t have to come after you.

OK Decrepit, you can have this damn thing back.  It’s got snakes in it anyway.

Snakes on my blogroll:

Categories: Movies, Reviews
  1. August 19, 2006 at 01:09 | #1

    I take it this one’s a renter eh.  Well at least Samuel gives his line: we got mutherf*ing snakes all over the mutherf*ing plane.  Man now I’m torn though, should I waste the hour and a half (not sure of run time just guessing) to see it, or should I just count myself as lucky to not having given my time to such junk? :-S

  2. August 19, 2006 at 07:46 | #2

    Yeah, there’s a guy like you in every cabin, who plays it all serious when the situation clearly calls for wisecracks.  In the movie, your character was slowly crushed by a giant python, which began eating him while he was still conscious.

    Don’t make me put your butt down in the cargo hold, with all the snakes. :coolgrin:

  3. August 26, 2006 at 17:34 | #3

    That was one of the funniest posts that I’ve read in a very long time.  It was a good review of the movie as well.  Yet that said, I think it’s almost worth renting just to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, “We got motherfucking snakes all over the motherfucking plane.”

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