Home > Movies, Reviews > Movie trailer review: “Stealth”

Movie trailer review: “Stealth”

July 11, 2005

While waiting to see the new Star Bores movie, I was subjected to a half-hour of previews and advertisements.  It was annoying at the time, but I felt better about it at the end because they turned out to be more entertaining than the movie I had paid to see.

One of these previews was for a movie called Stealth.  It’s about a group of elite Navy pilots in a top-secret stealth-fighter program.  The cast includes arrogant young men who make everything into a sexual reference, an extremely well-upholstered young lady pilot, a grizzled older mentor, some bureaucrats and other throwaway characters.  We are treated to considerable footage – and this is just a movie trailer, mind you – of the young woman wearing almost nothing at all.

Actual Stealth dialog: “I’m willing to bow down to the superiority of women in several areas, but from time to time, I believe they should bow down to me.”

They’re doing great until a new character is introduced: a shiny ball of technology intended to replace the human pilots.  It will fly missions with them and learn their skills – then poof!  No more human fighter pilots.  Freedom will be defended without risking valuable human pilots.  Cool, eh?  And so original.

(Gee, Star Trek did that one back in 1968, and I bet they stole it from someone else.)

In fact the Pentagon is doing a lot of research on robotic fighter planes, which can perform in a much larger operational “envelope” than planes which must preserve a fragile human pilot.  But they will be controlled remotely by humans.  The science of Artificial Intelligence is nowhere near ready to build an automous robotic anything yet… but I digress.

Anyway the experimental plane is hit by lightning and (you saw this coming, didn’t you?) suddenly becomes self-aware.  When delicate electronics are hit by millions of volts with tree-shattering amperage, it always improves them.  Remember Short Circuit?  Of course, that was a comedy.

Actual Stealth dialog: “That lightning strike rewired it somehow!  It’s become self-aware!!!

Then the human pilots have to pit their inferior skills against the soulless nuclear-armed electronic monster and stop it before it starts World War Three.

Writers of good science fiction learn to keep the audience’s “suspension of disbelief” to a minimum so when they get to the implausible part, they can skip over the gap with minimum loss.  Unfortunately the writers of this script missed class that day.  You wouldn’t need to fly a futuristic stealth-fighter through these plot holes: you could sail the whole aircraft carrier right on through:

  • Lightning does not improve delicate electronics

  • …nor are any fundamental limitations of artificial intelligence likely to be solved by sheer amperage
  • The self-aware computer just woke up.  Why would it begin by exterminating humanity?
  • Planes need fuel and maintenance
  • Top-echelon military women might be attractive in a hard-bodied, tough sort of way, but I’ve never seen any that looked like supermodels
  • Undisciplined youth may not be the Pentagon’s first choice for their most crucial weapons program
  • Cameras (even sophisticated artificial-intelligence-connected ones) do not emit light through their primary optics

This movie is a perfect target for the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” treatment, but I fear for the legacy of any society in which it actually makes a profit.  They’d probably all wind up teaching their kids “Intelligent Design” in school and watching prime-time TV on cable.  Oh, wait…

Categories: Movies, Reviews
  1. July 12, 2005 at 00:41 | #1

    Good Lord.  Sounds like something straight out of the 70s or early 80s. 

    Or, as you note, the late 60s.  The ST link above didn’t seem to work, but this should.

  2. July 12, 2005 at 04:30 | #2

    Thanks ***Dave!  I fixed the link.  Seems I typed the anchor tag and forgot to paste in the URL.  Smooooth…

  3. July 12, 2005 at 06:18 | #3

    The last good movie I saw was The Incredibles. I watched it on tape, and it opened with a nice animated short feature about a sheep. When I get a chance I want to see Madagascar, and I’m looking forward to the next Harry Potter. I guess I’m starting my second childhood; I should feel bad about that, but I don’t.

  4. July 12, 2005 at 08:44 | #4

    “Anyway the experimental plane is hit by lightning and (you saw this coming, didn’t you?) suddenly becomes self-aware.”

    “It’s alive, it’s alive!” says Dr. Frankenstein (Colin Clive) as the monster (Boris Karloff) comes to life.

    Have you seen War of the Worlds yet?

  5. WeeDram
    July 12, 2005 at 19:35 | #5

    OK, someone slagged me for pointing out merely one scientific/technical cock-up in Batman Begins…  It’s a MOVIE, intended to make money!!!

    <g>, ducking and hiding

    Just the same, I’ll pass on this one, thanks for the tip.

    When we went to Batman Begins, we counted EIGHT =commercials=, and that was BEFORE the trailers started.  And the industry complains that attendance is down.  They make LOUSY movies 95% of the time, then make us PAY to watch product commercials, and I’m supposed to love this and not wait until a movie’s out on DVD.  Helllllllooooooooo!

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