An open letter to “talking on cellphone while driving a loaded dumptruck” guy
You might not realize that we saw you today, talking on a cell phone while executing a left turn onto Fort Jesse Road going East, driving a dump truck fully loaded with dirt.
Don’t worry, I understand. You were packing eighty thousand pounds of steel and dirt, and even the biggest, baddest SUV in the world wouldn’t mean diddly to you in a collision. Hell, you could take on a school bus and barely even feel it. You’re the king of the street and anyone with any sense at all will just stay the hell out of your way.
But if you did know that someone saw you, it’s possible you would worry about being thought unusually irresponsible at the wheel of a ginormous truck in an equivalent condition to .08 blood alcohol. It could seriously mess with your image as a good person, a good family man, or even as a good American.
Again, don’t worry; I’ve got your back here. If those whining Nervous Nellies think you don’t have a good reason to give less than full attention to herding a vehicle that is capable of crushing any modern car like a Dixie cup, I can explain it to them. It’s very simple really: you were standing up for your freedom. For everyone’s freedom including theirs, in fact.
You weren’t saying that your conversation was more important than the lives of the mother and her children in that minivan in front of you – that would be silly! No, your statement was bigger than life: you stand tall for the freedom to live like nothing bad can ever happen because you didn’t mean for it to.
America’s economy depends on that attitude. Nobody believes the executives who pushed the BP Macondo Prospect well until it exploded meant to spill millions of gallons of oil into the gulf of Mexico. Or that the owners of Massey Coal intended to kill 29 miners at the Upper Big Branch Mine. Or that the beef producer who uses antibiotics to fatten up his cattle wants to create unstoppable bacteria that could bring down some toddler in under a day. He’s just living the dream, making a profit and cutting a heroic figure against the sky, like the entrepreneur that he is.
Don’t give in, guy. Don’t listen to those hand-wringers and pearl clutchers; you probably won’t have an accident and even if you do, your insurance company will put the blame on whoever you crushed. Because there are always two sides to any story, and as the survivor you get to tell both of them.
You like lawyers, don’t you? They’re here to help you live like a real Free American. With their help you can just not give a damn about anyone or anything.
Besides, millions of other Americans do it. You see them all the time, yakking, texting, sitting at green lights while the people behind them honk their horns. Enough with the liberals and their concerns already. Just because your vehicle weighs more than twenty times what an average car does, is hardly reason for anyone to expect you to make the sacrifice.
All I can say is; for your sake there better not be anything to that old “karma” concept. Because if there is, you could end up running from it for a long, long time. Just sayin’.
Sincerely, a couple people in a regular car. Who saw you.
(And before anyone asks, no; I didn’t get a license number.)