Lance Armstrong is afraid of looking like a wuss
Faced with the need to take some load off my joints, I’m trying to lose 20 lbs or so. So I am using a calorie-counting application on my iPod, or “iPad Nano” as I like to call it.
Anyway, at the end of each day you look at your totals and think; “Holy crap, where did all the calories even come from?” And you look at the food log like a shopper standing in the parking lot at Wal-Mart incredulous that all those little items added up to eighty bucks when you only went in for some envelopes. But sure enough, they do.
I’m kinda stuck at 214 right now. My goal is to lose one pound a week for twenty weeks. To do that, you have to knock down your calorie total by 500 each day. They’re really kilocalories, which derives from “kilotons”, which is what you feel like you weigh when you get older and are still carrying extra weight.
It’s a depressing exercise, even speaking as someone who likes to exercise. You have to watch like a hawk for self-deception, which isn’t easy because it’s you who is doing the watching. And your favorite foods (I promise it will be the foods you like) all go through a process where underpaid, exploited workers carefully fold the calories and wedge them into the food sideways to run up the total.
The calorie-counting app I’m using is from Lance Armstrong, who according to people I’ve mentioned this to, is apparently either highly admired or a big fat cheater. Whatever; it was the first app on the list when I searched for one. But I was annoyed by his ad on the back of this week’s Parade magazine, in which he points at the camera and gave this stern advice:
“Men over 30 shouldn’t use emoticons. Period. That means no smiley faces, semicolon hotwinks or carrot noses. The Shack and I are just looking out for your best mobile interests here.”
Bite me, Lance. What’s the matter, are emoticons too girlie for you? I wouldn’t have thought you’d be the insecure type.