Handy guide to killing
In the wake of Terri Schaivo’s killing, there seems to be a bit of confusion about when it is OK to kill a human being. If you are involved in killing decisions, print out this handy guide:
Stem Cell Research | Absolutely not. Those frozen cells left over from in-vitero fertilization procedures may be destined to be discarded anyway, but they are persons just like you and I, and have the same rights. |
Contraception | Since it prevents the sperm and egg from meeting each other in the first place, this is probably not killing. But it’s still bad. |
Morning-after pill | No. It prevents a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterine wall. See Abortion |
Abortion | Never. A first-trimester abortion of a developing foetus that does not have brain waves yet, is the same thing as a grisly partial-birth abortion, which is only done by heartless people who just like to kill babies for no reason. |
Cop shootings | Almost always OK. The cop will impartially tell us his or her good reasons for opening fire on the citizen. We can’t second-guess them. |
High-speed chase | Sure – cops know best. |
Impaired driving | Usually OK. As long as we prosecute drunk driving (to show we care) it’s OK to tailgate a motorcyclist while exhausted, angry, on cold medicine, and talking on a cell-phone. |
Corporate negligence | What are you, anti-business? Hippy. |
War | Perfectly acceptable. You’re not going to get a case of the vapors because of a little unavoidable “collateral damage,” are you? They’ll thank us someday, once they get over their dead kids. |
Other intelligent species | Not even an issue. Whales, dolphins, and elephants have convoluted cerebral cortexes like ours, complex languages like ours, and apparently mourn their dead. But it doesn’t mean they are sentient beings. |
Assassination | No. Most people are against assassination even if it would avoid a war, let political prisoners go free, or correct a long-standing foreign-policy mistake (such as in supporting a tyrant.) |
Death penalty | Sure, that’s fine. After all, they’re usually guilty anyway. |
Health policy | Irrelevant. Millions of children all around the world die every year of cheaply preventable diseases. It’s a shame, really, just a shame. Would you like some coffee? |
Unhealthy habits | Really more of a suicide issue than a killing issue. We’ll sit on our asses watching Survivor eating takeout pizza, then demand incredibly expensive medical care when we have a heart attack. (And then sue our doctors) |
2nd hand smoke | Nonsense. Hey, they shouldn’t bring that asthmatic kid to the restaurant in the first place. Our legislatures are apparently not smart enough to distinguish between restaurants and bars. |
Medical errors | Hey, nobody’s perfect. Thousands of people die every year from medical errors – usually the wrong drug prescribed or delivered. The problem is that people sue and it drives up the cost of health care. The solution is to keep them from suing. |
Prescription drugs | Surprisingly OK. Mostly a by-product of the FDA fantasy that all risk can be avoided, so trusting consumers tend not to study the risks of the drugs they’re taking. |
Aids | It’s their own fault. Millions of people are dying of aids and condoms really do help prevent it. But that offends some people. So we’ll just tell ‘em all to “keep it zipped” and they’re sure to understand and comply. |
Street violence | We accept it. Mostly a by-product of the “war on the American people” also known as the “war on drugs.” It’s supremely important that people aren’t allowed to get high, giggle, listen to Pink Floyd, and get the munchies. |
“Pulling the plug” | Almost everyone agrees: they don’t want to live hooked up to a machine. But if you are unlucky enough to fall into that state without putting your wishes in writing, we must assume you want to be hooked up to any extraordinary medical measures available, no matter the suffering, the prospects for recovery, the agony it causes for their loved ones, the indignity, or the cost. Well, except in Texas, where the law says if you can’t pay, no feeding tube for you. |
Euthanasia | What are you, a Nazi? We want to make sure everyone feels all their pain, no matter how bad it gets! And even if by some miracle they do get the palliative care they need, they should not be able to decide their own fate. We, who are feeling just fine, decide that for them. |
There! I hope that clears everything up. If you think of any others, hit the comments and I’ll add ‘em to the list.